Are you as exhausted as I am? If so, you have also likely been consuming too much election-related news!! We thought we were lucky—living in a “non-swing state” (I know, I know, every state is always in play!). But no dice. Even in Seattle we have gotten political television ads. And then there are the texts! In a single day last week I received them from, among others, Vice President Kamala Harris, former President Donald Trump, current President Joe Biden, alongside a cavalcade of names, big and small, from Robert De Niro and Oprah Winfrey for Harris to . . . well frankly I have never heard of any of the celebrities text-stumping for Trump. That is not a dig—though nor is it a surprise. And no matter the state of the race in a given week, almost all the texts, from both sides, sound like either candidate is trapped in a hyperbaric chamber with 1% oxygen, and my $47 dollar donation is all that stands between victory and . . . survival? That is, almost every text has been delivered with a desperation and urgency that frankly, is exhausting. Yes, we are all tired. The information we have been forced to consume, whether we wanted to or not, is dizzying.
At the risk of further numbing your mind, dear reader, I do want to take this week’s post to cover . . . the elections!! What did you think? That I of all people would cut you some much-needed slack? Game time is right around the corner. But fear not!! This post covers a much more, shall we say, “sanguine” aspect of this year’s races—surviving election day. To lighten the mood without depriving you of your daily (hourly?) political fix—you can quit whenever you want, right?—I present to you a host of recommendations that I believe, individually or in aggregate, will help get you through next Tuesday and beyond (since this election is almost certainly going to carry into subsequent days or weeks, ooh . . . or months!).
First, hydrate. Hydration is like the magic elixir that keeps everything running smoothly. If you don’t drink enough water, you turn into a grumpy cat—listless, moody, and prone to naps. Too many naps, that is (see below). And Tuesday is your last chance to persuade the somehow-still-undecided voters in your life. Not only do you want to come across as warm and gregarious, you want people to understand what you’re saying. A task even a couple hours without water can turn well-nigh impossible.
Second, nap. This and hydration are without doubt the two most important election-related self-care regiments. If you have trouble falling asleep—either because you are not much of a napper or because certain potential election results fill you with in unutterable dread—*do not* resort to melatonin or other forms of chemical or liquid assistance. It is going to be a very late night! My suggestion: Drift asleep to Donald’s and/or Kamala’s soothing stump speeches. Or, if you do not hate yourself enough, try decaffeinated tea and a slight carbo-load. Perhaps a slice or two of the double-stuffed Oreos you are saving equally for victory or defeat.
Third, eye drops! Hydration by ingestion or osmosis will not suffice. First, if the results come in at a similar pace to 2020’s, you will spend the next few days, weeks, or months (again, who knows?!) blinking at least 50% less frequently than in “normal” times (whenever those were). You also might want to invest in a blue light filter for your laptop. Beyond ensuring that you blink and miss second-by-second updates from the Wall Street Journal only when it is absolutely necessary, regular ocular hydration will also help ensure that your liberal and/or MAGA tears are palatable to the other-siders in your life (to the extent you still have any!).
Fourth, alcohol! Not before the polls close, of course. And always drink responsibly. A reasonable amount will promote camaraderie among those who disagree, even as the worst- (or best-) case “calls” come down the pipe. Or it will lead to massive brawls in living rooms across the state. Again, drink responsibly. For some that means not at all. At the very least, save it for the evenings at home (or with a designated driver confirmed) so that the roads are safe for your fellow voters. Here is my suggestion for those who have a plan to get home tipsy but safe: At polls closing, when Vermont is called for Harris and Indiana for Trump, break out a celebratory bottle of champagne. One glass will suffice. By mid-evening, when even New Jersey is still, somehow, “too close to call,” break out the cocktail mix. Your choice but stick to two fingers at most. Though I recommend an Old Fashioned. Then, towards the “end of the beginning”—that is, around midnight (if you are me, I am told some stay up later or don’t really sleep until January 20)—go ahead and have a White Russian to help down the celebration/consolation Oreos you were saving for a network “call” consensus that, especially this cycle, may never come.
Fifth, do not go on social media. I recommend a permanent moratorium but even I cannot resist the call of Instagram’s “chonkiest” cats. At least mute notifications from Twitter or Truth Social or whatever is your preferred perpetual outrage outlet. Instead stare interminably at the New York Times’s real-time “victo-meter,” which forever traumatized Hillary voters as it ticked gradually in Trump’s favor over the course of Election Night 2016. Let’s hope it doesn’t actually make a comeback, but if it does it is still infinitely less stress-inducing than getting into a Twitter spat with your second cousin. Or is he a third cousin? It simply is not worth it and anyone gabbing on social media by poll close have already voted. You will convince nobody of anything beyond your unhealthy attachment to your own opinions.
I have far more suggestions but am reaching my word-count cap. Still, I am confident the above select recommendations are among the most effective means to emotionally and spiritually survive THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION IN OUR LIFETIME!!!!!! Happy voting all!! I will see you next Friday, when we will still have absolutely no idea who is succeeding Uncle Joe.
Alki,
Sam Spiegelman